What do you do when you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, when the person looking back at you is a complete stranger. That moment of realization and bewilderment feels like a bucket of ice cold water being dumped over your head on a hot summer day. Japan’s sweet sirens song lulled me into this gentle slumber. The always open theme park where the music never stops.
I had a mirror put up to me today quite unexpectedly by a new acquaintance and all the filters that we normally look through were torn down by this most unexpected of sources. Someone told me quite bluntly what they thought about my company and I realized in that instant that any argument I may have raised against them would be done in defense of my own irrational decisions rather then solid logic.
It was truly a strange feeling as I fought down a strong reaction to make a defense where none was really possible. I took a moment to understand my gut, understand why I was reacting that way, and come to the realization that I needed to change something; not tomorrow, not next week, but now. Letting a moment like this pass without taking to heart its lesson is akin to tossing a winning lottery ticket out because there is a ketchup stain on it.
For two years I have thoroughly deceived myself that what I am doing at my job has been toward some greater goal and that someday support would be given. Through some situations that would have sent others into fits of rage and a job search I endured. My friends, my family, everyone, has all stood by and questioned my thinking with smiles and politeness whereas they should have told me I was a bleeding idiot for staying, though I might not have listened.
The person who held the mirror up to my face may not be correct on everything but on the points that count their logic was faultless. My company will not suddenly turn around, will not suddenly lavish support, and will not suddenly give a darn. Two years of apathy, stinginess, and downright disbelief that I can do anything is not an attitude that will change. I cannot lie any longer. What I thought was an interesting challenge turned out to be a Sisyphian task.
